why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
