He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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