i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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