well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
