Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
