smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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