I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
