btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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