i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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