you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
