Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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