So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
