Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
