just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
