rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
