I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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