just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
