Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
