you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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