did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
