cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
