Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
