so explain again why im purple
no
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
