Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
This is the prime rib incident all over again
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
