Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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