I think my fart just growled at me.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
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