and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
