I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
