I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
