Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I could fuck to npr.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
