Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
