i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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