you have to choose: penises or morals?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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