I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
