he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
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