conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Randomize
