I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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