But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
