now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
