Someone shit on the floor
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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