I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
