I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
