i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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