I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
