Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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