I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize
