True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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