Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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