I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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