btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
