The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
