She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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