Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
