he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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