You really coming over, don't trick.
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
