I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
