I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
