you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
