obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
