Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
