just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
