Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
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She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
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Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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